Today was the sixteenth Anniversary of the Columbine shooting. And in sixteen years I feel like I'm just now learning how to handle this day.
Many of my friends posted advice on Facebook about the anniversary. The best of them was to give yourself permission to have a good day and to make an extra effort to be kind.
For myself, I've learned that April 20th needs to be set aside to do what I need to do. I can't say that about many days in my life, so I claim this one day. Several years ago I started using April 20th as a time to make a point to talk to someone that I wanted to work something through with, someone I was either having trouble with or felt there were issues and make amends.
But lately I'm realizing even more than taking care of interpersonal issues, I need to think about myself, to take care of myself. Self care is the start of building, growing, thriving. It is the basic building block of being able to love others. And I believe it is the foundation on the path of healing.
To start, I made sure not to work today. I've worked on this traumaversary in the past, but it's not a day where I can focus or do anything truly productive. I've noticed many of my friends now take the day off, and I do think this is right. Being inside, being told what to do, where to sit, how to dress, and stuffing down emotion so I seem "okay" to my coworkers is not how I want to spend the day.
In a stroke of what I think was great personal insight, I booked a massage for this morning. I think this will become a new ritual for April 20th. I made the appointment for the morning, so I had a reason to get up, get out of bed, and yet it was all an indulgence for me.
Today I also made a point to see the friends of mine that truly understand what today means, my fellow survivors. I so appreciate and honor the unique bond I have with my Columbine classmates, a bond that gets only stronger with time. It is amazing to have people in my life that I can see once or twice a year, call once or twice a year, and yet still connect to on a personal level.
Later in the afternoon, I visited one of the Columbine memorials. I sat under the flowering trees, and took in the feel of the space, reflecting on the last sixteen years. There were more flowers left this year than I remember in past years, more offerings to those lost. There are wind chimes hanging in the trees, and it feels very peaceful for me.
After all this time, I realize that every year will be different. Things come up every year, I get emotional every year. But now I've learned that it's okay to be emotional still. That it's okay to still feel affected. That I will always be affected. So I still need to nurture that seventeen year old inside of me.
